Remember a day....

Pink Floyd has a song called Remember a Day that is resonating with a lot of stuff I have been reading and hearing lately as I'm trying once again to work my way back from too close to the edge due to pain, illness and depression.
Some of the lyrics:
    Remember a day before today
    A day when you were young
    Why can’t we play today?
    Why can’t we stay that way?
    Why can’t we blow the years away?

What I have been learning is to go back in memory to the way I felt before the injuries, before the illnesses, and to remind myself how it felt to use a body that worked right all the time, and see if there are parts of it that can come back.

If I can visualize where I want to go, I have a good chance of getting there, and part of me remembers where I was, and where I want to get back to.

I guard my movements against pain, how much is currently required, how much is habit because it used to be required? Remembering the parts of myself that I have forgotten, how it felt to move easily, helps me realize that some of that can still be done, and see if I can get back to that feeling of freedom.

I'm also remembering how it felt to be confident, to feel like I was capable of doing what I need to, instead of starting each task wondering how much I can get done before I crash again. It's like the guarding against pain has set up in my brain too, and remembering how it feels to be confident that I can do what I need to will hopefully help work on the mental part of the guarding.

I can use the memory of where I was to visualize where my goals are.
I'm remembering a day, before it all, as I go out to do a bunch of weeding.
Blowing the years away....

I suspect recovering your body confidence is like building relationships - it's harder to rebuild having been hurt than starting from scratch.

Start small and build on your wins.

Hugs!

Yes, I heard that song in my head throughout reading your post

I didn't get to weeding this Fall. My expectations for myself are too high, then I get discouraged. When someone asks me how long it will take me to do something (and planning and executive function are low achievement items) I have always blurted out what I think they want to hear, and rarely make the mark.

I have begun to be gentle with myself. Accept that I am gradually going to fall apart and that's just life.

Take a pat on the shoulder from me that you got some weeding done, and I think your imagery approach is great!

Isn't it something that we can remember how unique Pink Floyd was? And remember

I seem to remember another one

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
...
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
...
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
Come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

Pearl Sutton wrote:I guard my movements against pain, how much is currently required, how much is habit because it used to be required?

On a smaller scale, both magnitude of damage and timeframe, I just had this come up in my life. I'm recovering from a back injury and I'm at that point where it's *so* much better than when I was in agony, but I'm still hobbling around like an old man a bit. I noticed yesterday that I hold my pelvis at this weird tilt and and tense my whole core. But right at that moment, I wasn't feeling any pain at the locus of my injury and I was able to sort of let go of all that and imagine what if felt like to swagger around confidently. And I did it! A while later it hurt again and I was back to the hobble, but for that moment, I was totally just engaging in those motions out of habit.

Building the body (and life!) back to where you like it is so hard, especially if you haven't done a round of it in years. It's not the work, it's those moments when I decide I'm going to try. That decision to push and hope and see how far I can take it is so much harder than the doing.

I like being in a body where I can squat down all the way, feet flat on the ground, and get back up. I like being able to pick up 50lb bags and carry them around. I like walking up a flight of stairs without having to think it over first. I like being able to open the **** pickle jar by myself! But it can take years to get there, and there's no guarantee I'll reach any particular goal, and no guarantee that life won't fling me back or worse than back.

This last recovery wave, I seem to be seeing this whole process as cyclic instead of linear. It's helping? My body gaining and losing capability is something that's going to be going on as long as I'm here.

Ah remembering when we were young and healthy and fast- I walked out the door one morning a while back and without thinking jumped off the verandah- something I always did thirty years ago. Crumpled up in a little heap under the rose bushes, everything hurting and feeling like an idiot
Pearl if your injury is going to leave you with permanent pain you just have to learn to deal with pain to some extent- which is preferable to living on heavy pain meds and being a zombie with bad liver, stomach and kidneys- or give up some things you enjoy. I had a crushed and almost entirely severed sciatic nerve. To the women who tell you that child birth is the worst pain, I would beg to differ. Pain bad enough to cause you to lose consciousness for week after week and suffering a lot of ongoing problems from it twenty years later. You can teach your head to ignore pain to quite an extent, provided it isn't a pain that really shouldn't be ignored. The joys of getting older eh. Good luck.

Burra Maluca wrote:I seem to remember another one

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
...
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
...
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
Come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

Okay now I'm getting shivers in my legs!

K Kaba wrote:

I like being in a body where I can squat down all the way, feet flat on the ground, and get back up. I like being able to pick up 50lb bags and carry them around.

It's the getting back up that is hard!!

50 lbs bags gives away you're a permie of course

Jay Wright wrote:

everything hurting and feeling like an idiot

.

You had me snorting but don't we love to beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up!

Yes, sciatic pain like that is not the best part about getting old

More inspiration from Pink Floyd

"You pick the place and I’ll choose the time
And I will climb that hill in my own way
Just wait a while for the right day
And as I rise above the tree line and the clouds
I look down, hearing the sound of the things you’ve said today"

That one to me is all the people who say I can't do things, I may have to wait for the right day, but I can climb that hill, usually in my own way, which is never the standard way.

Pearl Sutton wrote:

That one to me is all the people who say I can't do things, I may have to wait for the right day, but I can climb that hill, usually in my own way, which is never the standard way.

Pearl I worked with an uneducated old feller who had one leg two inches shorter than the other. He said climbing steep hills wasn't a problem, but coming down he couldn't go straight down, he had to go "sorta slitherwise"  :)  He taught me several useful new words over the years.